A Day in the Life of Mark Gatiss: Mark YES!
by jessisnotdeadyet
Summary: From Mark's perspective, his epic home life with husband Ian Hallard.


**Entry 1**

**For Science – Experiment No 568: Operation Bloodfest**

The Plan:

Fake ze murder of myself (Codename: Christopher Lee) in ze living room. Place cameras in vital positions around ze house to watch Ian's (Codename: Mina) reaction when he gets home.

Phase 1: Fake Blood

Vatching my own video back as I vork. Look at how evil I am. MWAHAHAHAHAAA!

Mmm… Tastes so good, like ze blood of my enemies! I vill suck you dry, Van Helsing! Mina shall be mine!

It appears zat I have eaten all ze blood… I vill have to start again.

_Phase 1 complete_ – Five pints of blood in ze kitchen, ready to spread over Mister Harker's cold corpse!

Phase 2: Prepare Ze Corpse

I am sure it is here somevhere… Vhy does not Mina let me keep my corpses in ze bedroom? Zey vould be so much more accessible. It is not fair!

Aha! Many greetings, Mister Harker! Are you prepared for your doom? You vill look lovely on my living room floor, oh yes.

Now I only need to find an old suit to dress you in, Mister Harker. Hmm… Oh no, not zat vun. Zat vun is too nice to vaste on you. And zat vun is still vearable… Ah ha! Zis vun of Mina's vill suit you vell! I never liked it anyvay.

You do look dashing, Mister Harker. I have a vig here for you… Splendid. You can vait zere now, you handsome devil!

_Phase 2 complete_ – Mister Harker looks fabulous and bears a strong resemblance to myself, Christopher Lee. He vill trick Mina beautifully!

Phase 3 – Set Dressing

Ve must have ze house looking perfect, mustn't ve, Mister Harker?

"Oh yes, we absolutely must, Mr Lee!"

Excellent.

I vould so like to break ze lock on ze door… but I fear zat Mina vould be terribly angry… Gah! He vill be terribly angry anyvay.

Vun… Two… Zree… I aM tHE nIgHT!

Ze lock is broken.

Now knock over zis, knock over zat… Smash ze glass on zat photograph, oh yes. Perfection! A little gunpowder on ze carpet von't hurt anyvun…

Push ze sofa veeeeery slightly… HA! Mina vill never know vhat hit him!

_Phase 3 complete_ – Everyzing is in its correct place. Mister Harker, vhat do you think? Yes, now are you ready to die? "No! Don't kill me, please!" I am very sorry, Mister Harker, but I cannot keep you alive; you know too much! And now I carve your heart out viz zis knife. Your organs are spilling out everyvhere; Mina vill not know vhat to zink!

Phase 4: Blood, Blood, Blood!

I skip around ze house! Blood here, blood zere… Blood, blood everyvhere!

Got to get zat zere on ze carpet… Vat do you zink, Mister Harker? Oh vait, you are dead, you cannot talk anymore. MWAHAHAHAHAAA! I am ze darkness! I am ze night!

A handprint on ze vall just zere, and a little smear by ze front door and over ze doorframe. Yes, good. My Mina shall zink zat I have been killed most brutally! But no, only vun vill not see ze light of anuzzer day – Mister Jonazon Harker!

Mina is going to be very angry at me… He vill have to repaint ze valls and fix ze lock and replace ze carpet. Ah, but zat does not matter. Zis will be too spectacular!

Mister Harker, your innards are looking vonderfully gory. Did I mention zat you look particularly dashing in zat suit? It never looked good on Mina but on you, my doppelganger friend, it looks fabulous. Mmm… your blood, it tastes so good… No! I must resist and vait for Mina. Ve can share this feast upon your organs!

_Phase 4 complete._

Final Phase, Phase 5 – Big Bruzzer is Vatching

I vant vun right by ze front door so I can vatch his first reaction to ze crisis! Can I put vun on ze outside I vonder? Ah, zere on ze plant pot! It seems zat I vill need a ladder… Oh, FUCK!

Alas, my mission up ze ladder vas not as successful as I had hoped it vould be. My shin is bruised. My slender, pale, sexy shin is damaged! Nevermind, I am sure Mina vill kiss it better vhen he has finished shouting at me.

Phase 5 complete – Cameras are in place and I am in ze vardrobe viz my electronic device, ready for ze return of my beloved Mina.

And now ve vait.

_2 Hours Later_

Mina is approaching ze doorstep! He is holding vhat looks like a house key and vhat is zis? It looks like a bottle of vine. Did he bring me my favourite vine? Vhen he valks in on my mutilated corpse he vill zink zat ze vine has gone to vaste! Perhaps I should feel bad…

Ha! He has reached ze broken door! No, zis is too good. Look at Mina's face! He looks so… exasperated? No, it cannot be, it must be TERROR!

Now he enters ze house, and sees ze blood! Oh, Mina, I am very, very sorry for your heart-vrenching loss, for your one true love, Christopher Lee, has been murdered! My darling, zere is a vampire in zis domain – my domain! It has killed your poor Christopher! Look at him, lying zere in his own blood, surrounded by his entrails, vhich have been splayed out on ze carpet! Oh, yes, yes! HAHAHAHAHA!

Oh no. Did Mina see ze camera? Vhere has he gone? Mina? MINA!

He has found me. He must have some sort of omniscient mind, for I am ze darkness, I cannot be found!

"Mark, what have you done to the living room?"

"Who is zis Mark? I know no Mark! I am ze DaRKnesS!"

"Mark, did you break the door?"

"I am Christopher Lee!"

"Why is the ladder inside?"

"…"

"Why is the ladder inside the house, Mark?"

"… I hurt myself."

Results of Experiment No 568: Operation Bloodfest

1\. A broken door, and a bill for zat.

2\. A lot of carpet zat needs replacing.

3\. Mister Harker's body has been left in ze skip at ze end of ze road. Goodbye, my old enemy. Goodbye, Mina's horrible suit.

4\. A need for new paint, and a bill for zat.

5\. An empty kitchen cupboard.

6\. One kissed shin.


End file.
